The Chance of Love (The Book of Love 7) Page 6

  He picked the choicest morsels and made a plate for her.

  She ate like a bird, but he was used to eating like a Brayden, which meant loading a side of beef on a plate and using his fork as a weapon to ward off his brothers and cousins if they attempted to steal it away. “Too much?”

  Holly laughed. “I would say so. This plate weighs more than I do. Have some, Joshua. I’m sure this is a mere appetizer portion for you. How did you and your brothers not eat your parents out of hearth and home?”

  He arched an eyebrow. “I have no idea. Mealtime often resembled a cage of lions fighting over slabs of raw meat.”

  “That’s how you became known as the wildebeests. Finn told us. But he also said that among yourselves, you also had pet names.” She gave a merry laugh. “You, Finn, Ronan, and Romulus were known as the tadpoles. Is this true?”

  “Yes. Caleb was the squid. Silly, I know. We call each other that when we want to rile each other, but in a friendly way. We’ve always been close. A few tussles, but never anything serious.”

  “And what of your older cousins?”

  “The earls? No, they’re just Tynan, James, and Marcus. They were too big for us to tease back then. If we tried, they’d just knock us on our arses.”

  “I love that your family is close and that you band together to protect each other. I like the way you came to my rescue with the Gleasons.”

  “I think you could have handled them.”

  She pursed her lips. “I don’t know. Perhaps, but I think not yet. In time. It is surprisingly hard to shake that sick-to-one’s-stomach feeling I get whenever I see them. They’ve always affected me this way. I wanted to tell them to go stuff it, but my stomach was roiling, and my body began to tremble. It was all I could do to keep from tossing up my accounts.”

  “We’ll work on this tomorrow. I’ll turn you into a Roman general yet.”

  She shook her head and laughed again. “Yes, I’d like that.”

  He enjoyed the sound of her merry lilt. He loved the sparkle in her eyes, and the gentle smiles she bestowed on him. Most importantly, he loved the trust she’d placed in him. She had let her guard down and was showing him the Holly she used to be.

  They lingered over their plates, moving on to the Viennese desserts set out on tables at the opposite side of the dining hall. By the time they’d finished, they were among the last to quit the hall.

  Joshua escorted her into the ballroom.

  Holly turned pensive again, he could tell by the little droop at the corners of her mouth that made her look sensual and pouting. “Thank you for a lovely time, Joshua.”

  “Are you through with me already?”

  She looked up at him in surprise. “No, but I thought…that is…are there not other women who have claim to your attention? As for me, you are the only one who has given me any notice. But I much prefer quality to quantity. One of you is worth a dozen of anyone else.”

  He grinned. “There’s no one else for me. I only asked your sisters to dance because I did not want to be obvious about my wanting to claim two turns with you. But I doubt I’ve fooled anyone. When I wasn’t dancing with you, I was staring at you.”

  “Really?” Her eyes widened in surprise.

  He nodded.

  She cleared her throat. “Joshua, may I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.” They had crossed the ballroom and were standing together beside the doors leading onto the veranda where they’d waltzed earlier.

  “I was quite overset after seeing the Gleasons, so perhaps this is why you did not…”

  “Why I did not, what?”

  “I was curious as to why you did not kiss me romantically when we were alone in the garden? You kissed my brow, my cheek. You did nothing more. I’m so sorry, I know this question must sound extremely rude. It’s just that I no longer trust my instincts. I no longer know what to think or feel. I was sure you were going to kiss me…on the lips. But you didn’t.”

  Blessed saints.

  “It wasn’t from lack of wanting to, Holly. But you were too vulnerable. I don’t think you would have stopped me.”

  “I wouldn’t have,” she admitted. “In that moment, you were my knight in shining armor. You overwhelmed me with your honor and valor.”

  “This is why I did not kiss you. What I felt for you in that moment was neither honorable nor valiant. I didn’t trust myself to stop at just one kiss.”

  “You would have given me two kisses?”

  He raked a hand through his hair. “You will slap me if I tell you what I would have done to you.”

  “No, I won’t.”

  He shook his head and laughed. “Yes, indeed you will.”

  She regarded him, confused. “Three kisses?”

  Did this girl not understand male urges? Had her husband never—

  He shook his head, unable to conceive of the thought. No. Not possible. Had her husband not desired her?

  If he ever had Holly in his bed, he would be a wild, untamed thing. A rutting boar, unreservedly kissing and touching her in every way possible. Tasting her creamy skin. Burying himself inside her.

  He stared at her, equally confused.

  Was it possible her husband had never once touched her?

  Chapter Six

  Holly borrowed one of Dahlia’s gowns to wear for their afternoon visit to the Houses of Parliament. No more widow’s weeds. Her sisters and Violet all felt it important to share their opinions. “You look stunning,” Dahlia said, smiling in approval.

  “Beautiful,” Heather added.

  “Joshua’s jaw is going to drop to the floor when he sees you,” Violet said with a merry laugh.

  “I’m not…” She gave up the pretense, for they all knew she liked Joshua. Sighing, she gave herself a last look in the mirror before they left. She wore an ivory muslin with azure trim at the collar and hem, and pink and lavender floral bouquets embroidered throughout.

  She hardly recognized herself. The gown was light and frivolous, and nothing like those she had worn these past five years. The azure trim brought out the blue in her eyes. The pink flowers brought out the natural blush in her cheeks. As for the lavender, it simply suited her complexion.

  She hoped Joshua would like it.

  “Holly’s in love,” her sisters teased, keeping up the irritating refrain as their carriage rolled along the London streets.

  She turned in exasperation to Violet. “They won’t listen to me. Do tell them to stop their ridiculous chant. I am not in love with Joshua.”

  Which only brought on giggles and a renewal of their refrain, “Holly’s in love.”

  Violet was no help. “Are you certain you don’t find him the handsomest man in existence? Because I can attest to the fact that there is nothing more delicious than these Brayden men. I have one of my own, and I love him fiercely. I’m sure Belle will say the same about Finn. They are smart, kind, protective, not to mention handsome as sin.”

  Holly did find Joshua to be all that. Good heavens, there wasn’t a handsomer man alive. Her heart did flip-flops whenever he smiled at her. Last night at Lord Milford’s had been an evening in paradise for her. Not even the Gleasons had been able to tarnish her pleasure. She’d danced with Joshua. He’d kissed her brow and cheek. He’d held her in his arms, the embrace so tender and protective, she was still reeling from the giddy splendor of it.

  To have this forever would be a dream come true.

  But she dared not think beyond today.

  She dared not give her heart to him yet. It was too soon. Too fast. What of his feelings? Walter had tricked her into believing he loved her, but it hadn’t been hard to fool a seventeen-year-old girl. With Joshua, it was different. First of all, she was different. She was no longer the naïve girl.

  Yes, she was still unsure of herself and had no experience with men. But she hoped she was wise enough not to be tricked into another loveless marriage.

  However, Joshua was nothing like Walter.

  Joshua w
as a man. Walter, despite being in his early twenties when they’d wed, had always been a little boy. He’d lied to her and used her, although she did not understand to what purpose. He had not mistreated her. But why marry her if he wanted nothing to do with her?

  “Here we are,” Violet said.

  “Oh, yes.” Holly shook out of her thoughts.

  Joshua came down to greet them and gave them a quick tour of the presently empty chambers in the House of Lords and House of Commons. He then led them upstairs to the topmost floor where the liaison offices were situated.

  “Robert MacLauren and Ronan also have offices in this same wing of the building. They’re at the north end of the hall. I’ll take you there now. My office is at the south end.”

  “Is there a reason your offices are on opposite sides?” Dahlia asked.

  “Army and navy?” Joshua laughed. “We are better kept apart. We’re constantly fighting over the block of funds allotted to the military. As for the Scots, they had to be stuck somewhere, and there happened to be a vacant office near the navy liaison office. Robbie has the hardest job, I think. He has to fight for every leftover scrap to be given to the Scottish dragoon forces.”

  Holly could listen to him for hours. “This is so interesting, Joshua. What is it like when Parliament is in session?”

  “Hectic, but far better than sitting on our hands and doing nothing. When in session, our primary duty is to present our budgets. These take months to prepare. The liaison officers do little of the actual budget preparation, but we have to know every detail of what goes in it.”

  “Why must you know every detail?” Dahlia asked.

  “Because we are the ones who must convince the politicians to free up the purse strings. We are in constant meetings with the political parties, often with the prime minister and cabinet ministers. My role is to explain the army proposals, describe our latest military innovations. It isn’t enough to assure them the innovations work. We have to be prepared to explain in detail how they work.”

  Holly pursed her lips in thought. “Does that not require a background in the sciences?”

  “Yes, but we all have it. Me, Ronan, Robbie. Physics. Chemistry. Even ironworking. Diplomacy is a must. We constantly have to fight for funds for research and for procuring proper equipment and supplies for our soldiers. Ronan does the same for the navy. Robbie does the same for the Scots.” He shook his head and sighed. “But there isn’t one of us who would not rather be on a battlefield.”

  “Isn’t that dangerous?” Heather asked.

  “Yes, but it serves an immediate and useful purpose. On a field of battle, we are a band of brothers, if I may steal that description from Shakespeare’s Henry V. In the Houses of Parliament? It’s each politician for himself. I can see it in their eyes whenever we sit in these endless meetings. Some are quite decent men, of course. But others? They’ll leave our soldiers without boots or coats if blocking the funds will serve their insignificant purposes.”

  Ronan came out of his office to greet them, soon followed by Robbie.

  “We’re all grateful for your visit,” Ronan said. “It’s a relief from our boredom. Oh, Holly, before I forget. Here’s the receipt for you. I delivered that ring this morning.”

  “What ring?” Dahlia asked.

  “One that Walter had given me, but I gave it to the Gleasons as a remembrance of their son.” She tucked the receipt in her reticule and smiled at Ronan. “Thank you.”

  “I had a most pleasant conversation with them,” he said with obvious sarcasm, arching a dark eyebrow. “They won’t trouble you again.”

  Joshua quickly changed the topic of conversation before her sisters could ask more questions about the Gleasons. “Robbie and Ronan have taken to staging mock jousts with some of the other bored clerks. A tame affair so far, but it shall be livelier now that they have you fair damsels to favor them with their tokens.”

  Heather and Dahlia cheered.

  Violet rolled her eyes but went along with the game.

  Joshua took Holly’s arm. “Let’s leave them to their jousting.” He led her down the hall to his office. “By the way, you look lovely. New gown?”

  “Borrowed from Dahlia.” She winced as she shook her head. “The gray silk I wore last night is the liveliest gown I own. I hadn’t realized quite how badly I’d faded. I think this is the best word to describe what I’ve become. A mere shadow of my former self.”

  “We’re going to fix that. Starting now.” He led her into his office. She was surprised by its splendid view. But this was an advantage to being on the topmost floor. He had a spectacular view of the Thames and all of London that lay across the river.

  He shut the door and turned to face her. “I know it isn’t appropriate, but no one else is here to remark upon it, and I don’t want us to be disturbed.”

  He motioned to a chair beside his desk, then surprised her by moving his chair out from behind the desk and setting it beside hers. “The Book of Love is safe at Violet’s house. I didn’t think we’d need it today. I thought we’d simply talk.”

  She nodded. “Whatever you think best.”

  He smiled at her, one of those tender smiles that melted her bones. “That book is about finding love. But first, I think you have to find yourself.”

  “Yes, it is a good way to describe what I need to do. But where to begin?”

  He rubbed a hand across the nape of his neck. “You won’t like this, but I think it all begins with Walter Gleason, doesn’t it?”

  She blushed. “I suppose.”

  “I know this is asking much of you, but will you tell me how you met and married him? How long were you married before he died? Obviously, it was not a happy arrangement. I’m not sure why you shouldered all the blame for it. There were two of you in the marriage.” He took her hand and wrapped it in both of his. “I know these are deeply personal questions. I promise you, I’ll keep whatever you tell me in confidence.”

  A chill ran through her, but his hands were big and warm, and she liked the way they enveloped hers. “I’ve never spoken about this to anyone, not even my parents. Certainly not my sisters. They’re happy and looking forward to their debut season. I didn’t want to dampen their excitement.”

  “I understand. Sometimes it is hardest to confide in your family.”

  She nodded. “I love them all dearly, but this is how I’ve felt all these years. They are too close to me. After Walter died, I didn’t really want their opinions. Nothing they could say was going to bring him back.” She took a deep breath, and with it took a leap of faith to trust Joshua, for how well did she really know him?

  But she had to start trusting again, and she did feel safe and protected whenever she was with him. “The truth of it is,” she said, “I was relieved when he left me to enlist in the army.”

  She paused, waiting for him to respond to her admission.

  But he said nothing, and she noticed no disapproval in his expression, so she continued. “I didn’t want him back. Not that I wished him dead, either. I didn’t at all. He was not a bad man. But I had no life with him. Not even in those first days of our marriage.”

  Joshua frowned. “What do you mean?”

  Oh, no.

  Had she said too much? It was one thing to reveal they were not happily married. But to provide specific details? “Never mind. It isn’t important.”

  “Blessed saints!” His eyes widened, and he stared at her with open mouth. “Holly, did you ever have a wedding night?”

  She tried to hide her anguish, but Joshua had a way of seeing straight to her heart. She slipped out of his grasp and shot to her feet. “I have to go. This is a dreadful mistake.”

  He rose along with her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Stay. Don’t hide from the truth. Who are you hurting but yourself?”

  “Fine, then I’m only hurting myself.”

  “Damn it, Holly. Is this what you want? Will you now go back to your drab gowns and meekly hide in the shadows?”r />
  She glanced down at herself, staring at the embroidered flowers on her borrowed gown. “This isn’t me, either.”

  “You look beautiful, you know.”

  He spoke so gently that despite her apprehension, tingles shot through her.

  “Anything you wear will look good on you,” he continued, his voice a mix of tenderness and frank assessment. Perhaps this is why she found him so trustworthy. He did not fawn or flatter. Yet, he had a way of making her feel good about herself. “But I understand what you are saying. You are not the giggling debutante. However, neither are you an old dowager. Do you wish to know who I think you are?”

  She took a deep breath and nodded. Joshua had a remarkable clarity of thought. She wanted to know his opinion. “Yes.”

  But she was not yet convinced to sit back down, and he made no move to force her into a chair. They stood face to face. Well, she had to look up to meet his gaze. These Braydens were big men, and Joshua was no exception.

  Big and muscled and achingly handsome.

  “I see a butterfly yet to spread her fragile wings when I look at you,” he said in a soft, deep rumble. “I see the girl I ought to have kissed last night in the garden. My mistake. I should have kissed you and kept kissing you until we were breathless and half undressed.”

  Her eyes rounded in surprise. “Since when do kisses involve removing clothes?”

  “Are you serious?” He groaned. “You don’t know anything, do you?”

  “I had better go.” She reached for the door again. “I didn’t come here to be insulted.”

  He placed his hand over hers. “He never touched you, did he? Not even on your wedding night.”

  She refused to answer.

  It did not seem to matter. His eyes widened again, but he merely shook his head as he released her. “Of course. This is why he married you. This is why he treated you as he did.”

  He would not stop staring at her, his gaze so intense it bore a hole through her.

  Her eyes began to tear. “You are repulsed by me, too. I don’t even know why. Will you please tell me what I did wrong?”

  “You? Dear heaven. Holly, do you not understand what your husband wanted from you?” He shook his head. “You did nothing wrong. Not then and not now. He was using you to cover up what he was. Not that it’s anyone’s business what two consenting adults wish to do. But it was not all right that he harmed you in the process.”